Coming Home

i am back to where i belong
but yet,

i still feel alone.

Deeply hurt

Right now I am still hurts by some of the things said by them. I wish that one day they will understand how hard it is for me.

I feel so alone, lost and the hurt is deep.

Sorry for everything.

Letting Go

These few weeks has been quite tough for me. I wanted so very much for thing to be like it used to be but everything seems to fall apart and i can't do much about. It is so frustrating and leads me to feel so helpless. One person i am counting also have give up hope, what is there for me to look forward to. There and then i decided to let go eventhough i know letting go is the hardest thing to. I have been clinging to the idea that one day he and me might be together. I have been comparing everyone i am with to him...not a good thing to do but just can't help it. Now after so so many years, nothing seems to change. Worst, we are so drifted away from each other. It has come to a point that i feel i should not dream for the impossible. Maybe it is not meant to be after all. I never thought that a day would come for me to say goodbye to all of it. Kind of sad but there is not point of holding on to something is not there. Going to be hard to kill the feelings and emotions that have built inside me for years.

There still a lot that i want to let out of my system and say to him but i better just stop here. I pray to Allah to give the strength to get through this.

This too shall pass.

Ingin dia tahu

tetiba aku jadi sangat rindu pada dia..and i can't tell him i that
i want him to know that he is still in my mind after all these years.
he will not like it..he would want me to move on.
i did but it did not went that well..in times i missed him so.

Dream and Reality

some of our dreams will never turn into a reality, no matter how hard we tried. it's kinda tough but we got to learn to live with it or forever live in denial.

time to grow up
accept the reality
and move on

fullstop.

Taiping : a simple but very memorable journey

once in a blue, comes along someone you can get along really well and have the same wavelength Alhamdulillah, i had great pleasure of experiencing the most memorable holiday in my life so far with 3 wonderful person.

Amar, he is someone dear to my heart whom i have befriend with him for more than 10 years. Syukur, it stay strong until now. Cekya, she is like a sister to me whom i share my ups n down with...i know i can count on her. Addy, is a new addition and the youngest among us. Still lots to know about him but so far, i have no complaints.

At first, I was reluctant to bring Amar over to the picnic at Putrajaya...i was scared if he couldn't get along with Addy and Kadok. Then putting aside the negative thoughts, i let him do so. Frankly, i am very glad i did that. He aced.

i can't remember who suggested Taiping trip but i do know these :-
a. i had a very good time and keep playing in my mind over and over again.
b. we can say just practically anything about each other and then laugh about it out loud.
c. we treated every place we visited as if we are at our own living room
d. we are photo-fetish..that explains the thousand over photos that we took.
e. Amar and addy are like old married couple. They fight like nobody business but they still care about each other. Cekya and myself are the mediator. :)
f. wish kadok and as were there too
g. i can do this again and again...

My personal note:-
Amar - i personally don't say this a lot...love you. it feels like old times. thanks for being our supir.
Cekya - there's a lot of things i don't share with others, let alone my sister but with you, i want to tell everything...be the 1st one to know.
Addy - welcome abroad. please be patient with us..we can go crazy in times.

Taiping brings lots of memories, fonder hearts and the experience beyond words. I love them all for making the journey a memorable one..

Uneasy Feelings.

The visit the doctor's office this morning leave me with an uneasy feelings until now. The urine test showed a 56L/mg reading on urine albumin. Then normal reading should be below 21 L/mg. It means some problem with the kidney. Even though according to the doctor the leakage is only 2%, it still worries me. Instantly, i pictured my mom and what she been through all these years and it scared me to the bones. Tried very hard to contain my tears in front of the doctor. Perhaps what i am feeling is only 1% of those who been told that they have terminal illness and have few months to live. Nevertheless, it was enough to make me shivered and it has somehow affected my mood.

He then prescribed with hypertension pills to prevent more leakage. According to the doctor, the hypertension pills have dual function and one of it is to prevent the leakage from becoming worse. But first, I have to do blood profile in order determine the dosage for me which i will only start after my traveling.

This is a wake up call for me to change my lifestyle. I need to start exercising, control my glucose level, do more reading, see a dietitian etc.. I hope i have a very strong willpower to do all this.

Thanks my dear friends for all your support and advices. Please pray for me.

here i belong...

After using wordpress for few months..i think, i prefer using blogspot. It is much more easy.

I haven't blog for quite sometime. Did i miss it? Frankly, i did not...but i miss my blogsahabat. Not only that i did not update my blog, i also did not update myself with my blogsahabat latest news.

I met Richa in person, at last. Pretty lil girl. Went to Kadok's place with Cekya and Addy (whom i also met for the first time). Enough said, we had a good day and planning for a picnic after this.

Till next time, take care.

An addition to the family..another one

My sis just got engaged last saturday. Alhamdulillah, all went well. The wedding insya’allah somewhere in december. Going to b a very simple wedding.

One of my cousins also plan to be engaged this coming november.

Perginya Tak Kembali

Aku tak pernah lupa untuk mengikuti perkembangannya..sedari ia lahir ke dunia sehinggalah sekecil ini meninggalkan kita semua.

Amir Yusuf, nama yang begitu indah untuk anak yang istimewa ini. Ketabahan dan semangat juangnya sangat tinggi hinggakan aku jadi amat kagum dan terharu. Tiap kali melawati blog ayahanda Amir, aku pasti berdebar kerana tak tahu what to expect. Ada suka, ada duka. Aku mengharapkan yang terbaik untuknya.

Hari ini, setelah beberapa hari tidak melayari internet, aku terus ke blog Fajar untuk mengetahui perkembangan anakanda Amir. Begitu teringat kepada anakanda Amir Yusuf. Kunjungan kali ini begitu berbeza…diselimuti rasa sedih yang amat. Allah lebih mengetahui dan menyayangi Amir Yusuf.

Alfatihah buat anakanda Amir Yusuf yg telah pulang kepadaNya pada 6 Mac 2009.

Buat Fajar, Anis dan Najla – tabahkan hatimu menghadapi segala ujianNya. Allah mengetahui apa yang terbaik.

Salam Aidilfitri

Selamat Hari Raya buat semua

Maaf atas segala salah and silap.

Ramadhan Kali Ini

It’s the month of Ramadhan once again. All the same except this year, Ayah is no longer with us to celebrate Ramadhan. Emak pun dah cakap tak nak buat raya preparation macam last year sebab Ayah dah tak ada. On the other hand, Sal is now part of the family. This year, Anuar will beraya with his wife.

To all, selamat berpuasa. Rasa malas nak tulis, nanti sambung lagi

To be or not to be

I am swarmped with works. Terkejar-kejar. Sampai mimpi pasal kerja. Ermmm.

I strongly believe one will be punished by Allah for their bad deeds one day. Someone said this to me once which stick like a glue in my head..”takkan selamanya susah.” Allah Maha Kaya.

It’s almost 9pm…nak balik rumah. Esok another day.

After months of silence…

I has been quite sometime since i last posted an entry or visited my blog. So much to tell..somehow laziness just swept me away from posting any entry. If i could post an entry just by thinking about it, the words will be flowing like river. I know there are loyal visitor who once did complain why there was no updates. This one is for you, my dear.

Work has been very hectic and tiring at times. Being a new start-up, there are lots of things to put place in such a little time. Nevertheless, quoting from my boss “yes, there are lots of works but i am much more happy here than in ***.” I can’t agree less. Definitely, more happier mentally and spiritually. I feel the sense of belonging. Here their ‘Badan Kebajikan Islam’ is very active. We have Yassin and Mathurat recitals every months, Tafsir and Iqra’ classes every Monday and Thursday. As well as, kuliah agama by Ustaz/Ustazah on Tuesday and Friday. For the first time in my working life, i find a balance..dunia dan akhirat. Something which is quite difficult to find in this modern days. Alhamdulillah.

My ex-housemate is now staying with me. It’s good to have company, …cast away the loneliness. And recently, i got myself a cat…Kiddy is his name. Such a cutie.

I still misses my dad…no doubt about that. My situation is a reversal of Lun, I think I was much closer to him than with my mom…I always asked him before making any important decisions. I missed our telephone conversations, i missed talking to him in the car and i missed all about him. i longed to have that moment again..i know it’s impossible. My heart ache. This is so sad, even now as i write. One can never understand until they are in the situation.

here again but…

it was her birthday. should be a joyful day.

it was on the contrary, she did not feel it.

a pretense of happiness.

she is bleeding deep inside.

she feels alone…more than ever.

unsettling thoughts

While i succeed in career, i fail miserably in personal department.

It does haunt me sometimes if not everyday.

I enjoy my independent, but can’t deny the need of companionship.

There’s a missing link in my life.

Sometimes i wonder will i ended up alone in old folks home.

Am i experiencing a mild depression?

I need sugar and spice to my life.

If i fall in love again…

If i fall in love again, i want to be someone who can control her emotions and not compromise with unwelcome negative thoughts that make herself uneasy and sad.

If i fall in love again, i want a person who loves me more than my love for him and it is not because i am being selfish but for once i want to know how it feel to really be loved by someone.

If i fall in love again, i want to be showered with surprises every now and then. Not asking for something fancy, something simple and sweet but will be just as lovely because it comes from someone i love.

If i fall in love again, i want it to be the last and the one.

the best is out there

I am honored knowing there is someone who actually notice my capabilities when people in my own department keep a blind eyes and would rather employ outsider than develop the talent within the organization. Had he offered to take me in his department much earlier i wouldn’t be looking for another job and gladly accepted his offer. The opportunity learning from one of the best can be quite tempting. Almost change my mind about leaving but wouldn’t be fair to my future boss because i have promised to join him and he is willing to buy out my two months notice. Another thing at back of my mind was whether can he really pull the string in getting me in when my own department is also shorthanded and the decision is in the hand of the CEO. Say if he does, the environment is still status quo, i will still feel like the low caste employee like what i am feeling now and there is no guarantee that it will change…not for any time soon.

Having a confused mind, i sought to istikharah, seeking guidance from Allah to make the choice of my future. I woke the next morning with a firm decision and did all that need to be done. I am still being bombarded with questions,even today, by my colleague who would be very happy if i joined her department as to what are my decision and trying to convince me why i should take the offer. Later on the evening, received a phone call from the future employer informing my medical check-up went well and they need my joining date for them to issue the offer letter.

I can foresee ‘interesting days’ ahead of me with lots of questions, answers and reasoning to be made to the decision i made.

As so far what i can say is “Alhamdulillah, it all went well”. Allahu Akbar.

---

No longer here

new year, new place
~~ Bubbles of thoughts

Show me the light

About a year ago, a friend told me about a job in Dubai but things weren’t so certain at that point of time whether it’s going to materialize. I then joined the present company..which won’t be long before I tender my resignation (please pray it all go well). I had second thoughts before I handed over my application to my ex-boss. I did ask if the Dubai thingy is definite, still can’t give me solid answer. I had to find another job soon or I will go cuckoo. I’d rather leave than not appreciated.

Just when I am about to go for my employment medical check-up, I was told that the Dubai thingy is on. She wanted my resume, saying the director is looking for his right man and she have me in mind. I gave my word to my ex-boss that I will join them and at the same time I really want the opportunity of working abroad.

Oh dear…I am so in the dilemma!!!