How long will it last?

As I grow older, I see and observe a lot and the more cautious I become especially when it comes to finding a partner and marriage. Call me picky, choosy and whatever terms you have. That were some of the words people said for single lady at my age, me not excluded. I strongly believe as men, women also have the rights to choose. It really annoys me when I heard men said single women are choosy and for the actual fact they are choosy too in finding their other half.  Finding a husband is not like buying clothes in the mall. Then again, even in buying clothes, most women are very particular, I am for one. Even more so, in the finding a life partner.  Yeah, we are talking about till death do us part, not till divorce do us part. Off course, we want the best for us.

Recently, I met up with a close friend and she told me that she is going through a divorce process.  I was shocked because I did not smell any problem, all seems going very well. She kept her years of suffering to herself and pretended to be happy. I guess now she had enough of bottling up and time to move on. I did not ask of the details but knowing her for years, I know she must have strong reasons to do so. As a friend, In Shaa Allah, I will be there for her to go through this.

I also saw someone stay in marriage for wrong reasons. I would rather she get away from her mentally abused marriage but I am an outsider.

In my opinion, couple do not have to stay in marriage if they can’t see eyes to eyes in everything and always bickering with each other. Do not use children as the reason to stay in marriage because at the end of the day, the children also suffer. They will grow up and understand. But, if it can be worked out and the couple are willing to do sacrifices to make the marriage works, by all means do it.

These kind of stories has make me feel a bit scared of marriage. So many "what if" questions in my mind. What if i met with a wrong kind of guy? What if it does not last long? I will never know but I believe Allah is the best Planner...just put my trust on Him.

Once you do embark upon the separation or divorce process, it is very important to remember three key things: Be kind, be reasonable, be brief. Remember that this person will no longer be your spouse, but he or she will continue to be your co-parent, family member, and perhaps business partner in certain assets or entities.

Laura Wasser

Infatuate...

it has been a long long time since i feel this way...having a crush over someone. somewhat ridiculous at this age. He do not fit in my selection criteria, even more so he is younger than me but definitely something about him catches my attention.

i should vanquish all these and watch out for the torns...this is only wishful thinking

there..i say it!

Doing it all again....

i got know that the landlord is selling the house on the 2nd week i moved in when the malay couple came to visit. I was told back then the new owner intended to treat it as an investment. It gave me a big relief as my contract expires in November. Today after 4 months, i was told the opposite and what me even furious knowing that they want to move out immediately. The landlord agreed to pay them 2 months rental out of her pocket, giving me the 2 months notice to look up for a new place.

it kinda hit me hard thinking about all the things that i need to do..the packing and unpacking, relocating Astro, the phone and internet line to the new place, not to mention finding a place and transportation...doing it all by myself. I still feel the tiredness from the last moving. That was when i cried and thought how i wish i have someone in my life i can depend on.

maybe i am tired of being alone after all....

Welcoming myself to the blogging area...again

it has been really really long since i last stepped here. today, whilst driving to work, i told myself perhaps i should blog again. I know most of us have stop blogging with the existence of facebook, twitter and other social medias as status can be updated whenever and wherever.

let's blog again...i met a lots of good people through blogging and they are part of my life now.

Another Year...

Looking at old photos, reminiscing the past, remembering how i walked through my life, i must say i am feeling blessed and grateful for all the things i have.

Today, i am a year older and i hope to continue the journey gracefully. Insya'allah.

Uneasy Feelings.

The visit the doctor's office this morning leave me with an uneasy feelings until now. The urine test showed a 56L/mg reading on urine albumin. Then normal reading should be below 21 L/mg. It means some problem with the kidney. Even though according to the doctor the leakage is only 2%, it still worries me. Instantly, i pictured my mom and what she been through all these years and it scared me to the bones. Tried very hard to contain my tears in front of the doctor. Perhaps what i am feeling is only 1% of those who been told that they have terminal illness and have few months to live. Nevertheless, it was enough to make me shivered and it has somehow affected my mood.

He then prescribed with hypertension pills to prevent more leakage. According to the doctor, the hypertension pills have dual function and one of it is to prevent the leakage from becoming worse. But first, I have to do blood profile in order determine the dosage for me which i will only start after my traveling.

This is a wake up call for me to change my lifestyle. I need to start exercising, control my glucose level, do more reading, see a dietitian etc.. I hope i have a very strong willpower to do all this.

Thanks my dear friends for all your support and advices. Please pray for me.

After months of silence…

I has been quite sometime since i last posted an entry or visited my blog. So much to tell..somehow laziness just swept me away from posting any entry. If i could post an entry just by thinking about it, the words will be flowing like river. I know there are loyal visitor who once did complain why there was no updates. This one is for you, my dear.

Work has been very hectic and tiring at times. Being a new start-up, there are lots of things to put place in such a little time. Nevertheless, quoting from my boss “yes, there are lots of works but i am much more happy here than in ***.” I can’t agree less. Definitely, more happier mentally and spiritually. I feel the sense of belonging. Here their ‘Badan Kebajikan Islam’ is very active. We have Yassin and Mathurat recitals every months, Tafsir and Iqra’ classes every Monday and Thursday. As well as, kuliah agama by Ustaz/Ustazah on Tuesday and Friday. For the first time in my working life, i find a balance..dunia dan akhirat. Something which is quite difficult to find in this modern days. Alhamdulillah.

My ex-housemate is now staying with me. It’s good to have company, …cast away the loneliness. And recently, i got myself a cat…Kiddy is his name. Such a cutie.

I still misses my dad…no doubt about that. My situation is a reversal of Lun, I think I was much closer to him than with my mom…I always asked him before making any important decisions. I missed our telephone conversations, i missed talking to him in the car and i missed all about him. i longed to have that moment again..i know it’s impossible. My heart ache. This is so sad, even now as i write. One can never understand until they are in the situation.

here again but…

it was her birthday. should be a joyful day.

it was on the contrary, she did not feel it.

a pretense of happiness.

she is bleeding deep inside.

she feels alone…more than ever.

unsettling thoughts

While i succeed in career, i fail miserably in personal department.

It does haunt me sometimes if not everyday.

I enjoy my independent, but can’t deny the need of companionship.

There’s a missing link in my life.

Sometimes i wonder will i ended up alone in old folks home.

Am i experiencing a mild depression?

I need sugar and spice to my life.

If i fall in love again…

If i fall in love again, i want to be someone who can control her emotions and not compromise with unwelcome negative thoughts that make herself uneasy and sad.

If i fall in love again, i want a person who loves me more than my love for him and it is not because i am being selfish but for once i want to know how it feel to really be loved by someone.

If i fall in love again, i want to be showered with surprises every now and then. Not asking for something fancy, something simple and sweet but will be just as lovely because it comes from someone i love.

If i fall in love again, i want it to be the last and the one.

breeze your way

A year ago i had a crush on someone. Yesterday, after keeping it for a while, my good friend broke the news..she is going settle down. With him.

It’s hard for her to let the words out..i know.i am shocked still but what really matters are for both of them to have a blissful marriage.

should i be sad or be glad?

Oh let me shut my eyes, close out

Something is missing and i just hate the feeling.

Alfatihah for my auntie, Achik Eton. She passed away last Friday.

Lots of things on my plate

Adakala aku rasa ayah masih ada bersama kami, then reality checks. Terdiam.

Banyak benda yg perlu difikir dan diuruskan...my plate is full. Bilamana aku jadi buntu dan penat I will say to myself if he can do it why can't I.

Aku perlu jadi kuat untuk mereka especially emak. Banyak rasa terpendam. More often than not, aku terasa sungguh keseorangan. Lost. Suzi ada F, Anuar ada S, Lan ada A. Aku? Hanya ada aku.

Hanya yg mengalaminya akan faham.

Clueless

Need to do something to make my job interesting .Damn…I am bored...sebab tak banyak kerja. I have to practically think of what to do next. Is this one of those days that u rasa u wanna scream your heart out? ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Called my dad before balik. He was at the hospital and when i asked him who was warded, he just replied..nothing to worry. I rasa sure my mom yg masuk hospital. True enough. My dad hantar to the emergency last night sebab she had difficulty breathing. He said now dah okay..dah boleh makan. I did ask him why tak beritahu. He said tak teruk sebab tu tak beritahu...alahai ayahku ini. Sabar jelah. I know he meant well, tak nak us to worry but i would prefer that he would tell tak kira teruk or tak. Doctor said boleh keluar in 1-2 days time. I am going back this weekend. Doakan my mom sihat okay..

where has the rainbow gone

That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

almost everyday i ask myself over and over where did i go wrong. all my apologies didn't mean a thing? 3 years of friendship just went down the drain. i am not asking for much, just what are my mistakes until you shut me off. One day i wish, that we will be friends again. Until that one day comes, you will always be on my mind and prayers.

We have 2 photo jobs this weekend..and few jobs in this months. I have butterflies flying in my stomach. Insya'allah we will do fine. Going to be a tiring month but worthwhile.

If I Enjoy It..Yes

i need a lunch partner. I guess i will be eating alone until the new girl report for duty..i am in lun's shoes now. Apart form this, it has been a bliss.

I have to wake up much more earlier than before so that i will have the parking space at the lrt station and take train to work. As usual, the train is jammed pack with all the commuters with ur butt against others and can smell the smell especially after work..let's call it after work cologne. One which i don't understand why didn't they provided more coaches during peak hours to alleviate the overcrowding trains. And sometimes during your lucky day you can hear the train personnel say.."masuk dalam, masuk dalam". How can we go in when we can't even freaking move. sigh!!

And on the way to the office, passing by the KLCC park, watching people jog and looking at the scenery, the craziness in the train seems to fade away as i take a deep breath enjoying all of it. It's like i am living the moment.

what life has thrown me I have caught..

i have learned that
your life can change
in a matter of minutes
by people who don't even know you

untuk dia

untuk si dia yang aku kenal
cinta dan sayang aku padanya tidak akan
pernah padam...buatlah aku tersenyum
dengan bahagiakan dirimu
pejamkan mata aku pasti di sisi

kogi - 9 september

kerana dia bukan kamu

Pejamkan Matamu - OST 9 September

kupejamkan mata
kau hadir di sisi
ku hulurkan tangan kau sambut dengan kasih
tenangkanlah hatimu
agar bisaku senyum

Pejamkanlah matamu jika rindukan wajahku
ku pejamkan mata..kau hadir disisi
bisik mesra darimu menyemai kasihku..
bahagiakan dirimu..agar bisaku senyum...

pejamkanlah matamu
kupasti di sisi
untuk dikau kasih ku curahkan cinta suci
yang tak mungkin terpadam
akan terus membara

bahagiakan dirimu
agar bisaku tersenyum
pejamkanlah matamu
jika rindukan wajahku
janji ku kepadamu aku pasti di sisi

**
Sukar utk digambarkan perasaan aku di penghujung filem 9 September..mungkin tidak menjangka sebegitu 'ending'nya. Yang pasti ia mengundang rasa sebak yang teramat sangat dan wtl tidak mampu langsung menahan airmata menderu jatuh. Until i had to calm myself down. Pasti orang yg melepasi kami perasan mata and hidung wtl yang merah kerana menangis. Tiada lagi rasa malu..aku berhak atas apa yang aku rasa. Thanks Cekya for the understanding. terlalu sukar menafikan apa yang wtl rasa..terlalu sukar

"because he is not you"

aku mau

Aku mau mendampingi dirimu
Aku mau cintai kekuranganmu
Selalu bersedia bahagiakanmu
Apapun terjadi

Kujanjikan aku ada